Monday: 02.03.15 saw the third and final instalment of the new seasons #MondayMadness away days.
The Day the Bores Binned Bradford: A Battle between Heaven and Hell
On a cold and blistery Monday night, made warmer by Ruan’s absence, the almighty boring fours departed on an expedition to the wasteland of our very own Boothy (shout out). The academy left the city of dreams, descending into the oblivion of our geographical counterparts. Making our way through purgatory we were all well aware that Bradford ‘Uni’ were waiting. A mere 57 University league table places separated us, the fours therefore arrived safely, taking heart in the knowledge that even the demon Jamie Oliver had the upper hand in terms of intelligence. The Bores’ Wednesday form had been mixed of late and nothing short of victory was required before push back. After our tyrannous yet strangely messianic leader Weasley preached his ginger words of wisdom, we set out onto the pitch.
After LEEDS ON THREE, the match began.
From the off Weasley’s boring angels dominated the play as Bradford parked their satanic double decker bus of a defence in and around their D. This did not panic the good wizard however. A breakthrough came on the strike of two minutes as Weasley crashed the ball on to the well placed stick of the perpetually absent-minded Jamie Oliver. Top bin. One-nil Leeds. Close by, in a dark and desolate basement, Boothy looked up from his prey and smiled.
A sluggish restart from the fours saw the dark hordes force themselves into the game. A well-practiced smash and grab goal from a Bradford forward left Richie little chance, and the scores were level. However, the fours gloriously marched on. Good runs from the freakishly lanky Scotsman Harvey and the high pitched Helium stretched the Bradford defence to the brink of their mental capacity. Chance after chance followed but terrible decision after terrible decision was given. The 13,000 demon strong Bradford XI managed to survive, until the fours persistence paid off, with dark and brooding Van Helsing Sam Bradley providing the finish from close range.
With two minutes of the half left to play the scurrying runs of the rat Balamory proved too much for Bradford to handle. The play was switched out wide to the unmarked occupant of the Vatican, and leader of the Catholic world, Pope, who found the notorious Jimmy. An immaculate crash ball found its way to Helium at the top of the D, who delicately and wholly unintentionally guided the ball towards the hellish gate of Bradford’s goal. The ball rose upwards, traveling past the empty three heads of the Bradford keeper and into the roof of the net. The Bores defence remained strong and resolute, with full backs Jimmy and Jow stealing the ball from the Bradford strikers with ease. Jow was happy in the knowledge that Labs would finally be over when we returned. Half time arrived; a solid 3-1 lead however there was still consolidatory work to be done.
The second half began, the fours refreshed from not hearing Ruan’s voice in the team talk. The good Weasley’s children continued to dominate in both possession and pass completion. Aru’s first moment of flair in the twenty years of his tedious life saw him strike the crossbar early on, with several other chances mystically going astray. The pressure continued to mount on Bradford as the superior uni from the superior city dominated every aspect of this game. Short corner after short corner fell short of the mark. Close by, Boothy looked up again. He was angry nobody could flick like him, and swiftly devoured his remaining captives. Finally Weasley broke the deadlock, sliding in on his powerful beacon of nose, the way he knows best. It was 4-1.
Pushing for a fifth goal to rid our world of these cretins once and for all, the fours poured up the pitch. Half backs were gallivanting forwards but Bradford caught us on the break. Their only player, perhaps half man half ghoul, was left dribbling (hockey wise) free from our defence and into our half, but did we fear? No we did not. The saviour Jimmy expertly leapt to the aid of the angels, binning the player in a biblical fashion, crushing his dreams of ghoulish glory and resigning him to the underworld forever. Knowing the colour yellow would soon be shown, Jimmy causally strolled from the pitch safe in the knowledge his work saving humanity, for the evening, was done.
Full time arrived with Bradford sufficiently banished to their level. Our captain and father Weasley was quietly content. We headed back to the city of dreams 4-1 victors. The Wealdstone Raider awaited our return. Wall Street was soon to be ours.
Matt ‘Weasley’ Moss – a.k.a. The N.O.S.E.
Danny Screen & Max ‘Hellium’ Galla contributers